Pain update

I have had little stabbing incidents since last Wednesday.  Not too bad.  It isn't sustained which I appreciate.  My operated eye has been more sore lately mostly at night. Just the Sup. Obliq.  And it is dry esp. in the morning and at night.  So, it's not bad at all. I don't care for the stabbing pains but they don't last too long.  It just startles me.
It's been about 10 days since I found this letter from "egghead" It's stirring up crap again! I immediately questioned myself, my memories. I was trying to blame myself again! Why?  I was doing so good with that dumb subject.  I'm just confused.  I still have feelings about that subject I don't want to have 'feelings' about it.  I just feel a little sad about it.  I must be a little angry too as I call him 'egghead'  UGh.  too much psychology in this  last surgery.

"Greta in Wonderland"

I did the $11.75 eye test.  I went to see 'Alice in Wonderland' - just got home.  It was so much fun.
I had been reading about 3D movies, and got to thinking of when I was kid around 10 and Kari and I went to see some 3D movie.  I didn't remember anything but red and blue (the glasses) and the I remember the song during the credits was by Louis Armstrong ( I think that's his name) the song was 'It's a wonderful world'
So I went to 'see' if I could see the 3D after my surgery.   It was so fun. So fun.  Now, could I see it because of my surgery? Or because technology has come so far, I don't know.  But whatever the reason I saw it this time and not years ago,  it was fun.  I smiled as big as the Cheshire cat in the film the entire movie.  Appreciating my sight.  Eyes and the ability to see such vivid pictures and colors all in single vision is a gift, a blessing and I sort of wish that everyone could acutely appreciate their vision the way I do mine. It's a great way to walk around feeling this keenly aware.  Little intense at times, but still a good way to 'see' things.  You know your health problems can be one of your biggest blessings.  They can help you really live, consciously.
Now I'm going to bring my 3D glasses to Ginny and see if I can see the Ran Dot tests with them.  Exciting huh?  Just for the sake of documenting how my eyes were, I could feel them working. It was uncomfortable at first like the first 20 min. or so then I got used to it.  I did find my self holding my head funny.  But even when I tilted to the right I could still see good. My surgical eye does smart right now - superior oblique. It was worth it! That's all.

and we're back

Yes, it's back. Left eye pain.
After yesterday's stabbing pain it didn't feel bad til I went to bed. Then I realized it was quite bad.  I left my Frankincense at work so it was not a help to me.  I was too tired to get up and go take meds.  I had hoped I could sleep it off.  I succeeded but then it came back around 4p.m. today. It was back with a vengeance, even stung on the inside corner of my nose and became a whole headache thing. Took 3 ibuprofen and my Frankincense, It does cut it but not cut it out completely today. It's actually quite strong.  I am very tired, I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I just have a fear that if I don't get rid of this pain by the next time I see the Doc. he's going to want to inject something into that muscle.  I would rather eat shards of glass.

Friday - 3/26/10 -still had the pain this morning.  It's just so disappointing! I understand when I dislocate, I understand when my heart goes out of rhythm, I just don't understand any more why this left eye is so rude! The right eye - I would understand.  This pain is is is is SUCH A PAIN!

Iridescence again...

I asked the four other people I was with today if they saw iridescent very often as I saw just a little glimmer of iridescent. They each immediately were like, "yes! all the time!" There was a variety of ages, all women, age 34, 47,69,and 29.  I think they see more iridescent colors than I ever did.  Why do I find this intriguing?
Also, I had stabbing eye pain for just a brief period (maybe 5 minutes) in the left non operated eye.  It was enough to stop me in my tracks and it made me loose my train of thought in the conversation I was having. I haven't had strong pain like that for maybe a couple weeks.  Why?
Now it's okay. My right eye is very dry today. But I was out in my volunteer work walking blocks and it was kind of windy. So I just put my 'refresh' in my eyes.

Deer in the head lights

I caught myself tired and staring at the T.V. -  Okay, big deal! Right?  Well, this is why I have this blog.  No one would understand why I'm excited.
I always wondered what it was like for other people when they stared off.  I never could stare in single vision.
Just now, I was staring, and it stayed single.  Oh, and I was tilted slightly to the right.
I love it.  This is what staring is like.  I always wondered.

Get it out of my dumb head...

It's Sunday morning, I'm cooking and cleaning and listening to Pandora, drinking coffee and it's sunny and beautiful out. And then the thoughts.....
So this post really is just for me to get this out of my head and sort it out.  If anyone reads this they will know I'm insane. Shocker, I know!
I don't know how to say it.  It's about egbert. I'm not so much bothered right now about how he hurt me physically. That's just pain and that's gone now.  But I realized that part of how I am, the part I actually thought was good, may actually been a result of that guy.  My love for trying to learn and understand things was fanned by him.  I felt so ill informed going into "egbert". So I over compensated by being TOO informed.  I don't remember being like this before that whole debacle. Maybe I just don't remember what I was like before.  I hate the thought that that guy could have left his thumbprint on me.  Kinda feels violating.  I want nothing to do with him AT ALL.  EVER!  I just feel the need to shake his residue off of me.  Like - leave me alone! I  know that if I still have this strong of feelings about him, it still has some kind of hold on me. The sad thing is that he most likely doesn't even remember me.  So it's even worse to spend any time thinking about what he did or did not do.
 I hate how he caused me to not trust doctors more. That's not the case anymore.  It's not that I didn't trust them it's just that I had to rely too much on myself to figure out if I should trust them. I do not have the luxury of not trusting doctors. Someone like Jim has the luxury as he never really needs them.
Bottom line, is I'm not sure what I 'feel ' about "egghead"  I just hate that my brain is stuck on this on this beautiful day.  I wish I was in the movie 'Men in Black' when they hold up that memory eraser stick and - FLASH everything is forgotten.
You know before this last surgery, I had a hard time remembering 'egghead's' name.  I know some day I'll get back to that point.  Of course, I'll have to destroy these posts.  But at this point writing helps me sort things out and get rid of the unwanted and focus on the good.

Big day for the eyeballs

Today was a very busy day!  10 hours straight on the go.  I did all sorts of eye challenges. Esp. extractions/ tweezing/ waxing, I also did Microdermabrasion, facials, peels oh and microcurrent and makeup. Listing all of this I realize I got to do every single item that I am entitled to perform.  Talk about variety!  I had a record day in sales and retail - very fun. Really good tips for a gloomy cold day.  When I get tips like I did today it tells me I was ON, on in every way.  That my friend is  A LOT of fun!
It's now 7:38 p.m.  my eye's gave me little twinges through out the day. But no pain!  I want to believe I'm done with pain.  Even if not, the pain occurrences  are getting much farther apart.
Now I have to laundry, clean etc.  Never done working.....

No Real Pain

It's been maybe four days with no eye pain.  No Frankincense even.  They're a bit dry but that's it.
I can handle that! I'm loving it!

'hope'

I am no longer angry about what happened 10 yrs back with my former eye surgeon.  Doesn't mean I don't have  'feelings'about it. Just anger isn't the top one any more.  It is  a little like the steps of grieving.  Not that I can remember all the steps.  I just know that Denial, Anger, sadness and some where Acceptance is the last one.  Maybe I'm a little sad about it but not too bad.
Looking back over the past 5 months all this stuff about "egbert" came back so fast and furious. Now at times I think about it but it's not everyday.  I re read the letter I wrote to him, that letter helped a lot to move forward with not feeling so angry.  Now that I read it I can see I was so upset, I can see why Holmes wanted me to 'mull it over more'.  Part of me wishes I still sent it to him. But as Holmes said, he wouldn't get to the second page.
Now if I wrote him I would simply want to get through to him that he hurt me not even so much my eyes but he affected my thinking for the worse.  I'd like to say he took away my 'hope'. But I know that no one can take 'hope' away from you.  You have to give it up yourself. Does that make sense?
I now know what it really means to loose hope.  I don't think I could really describe it I just know how it feels.  I had no hope of my eyes every being corrected. So much so, that I never even bothered to imagine or dream of what it would be like to see better or not have that headache/neck pain.  I accepted the reality he gave me, that was my life and I tried to moved on.  I was okay.  Now?  I don't have the hope of seeing better.  I already do, so I don't need hope anymore.
"egbert" ( notice I don't capitalize his name as I have made him into a noun - guess there's still a little anger there) also, affected my view of Doctors and 'authority'.  I had gone into his office fully trusting that this experience would be like the last one I had at 19.  I naively assumed it would be wonderful and a miracle like my first surgery.  Then I had 3 nightmare procedures.  I came out of that experience determined to never be intimidated or fooled into anything again.  I came away questioning every one who was stating 'facts' or telling me what I should do.  That's okay to a point but I took it too a new level.  I didn't hate all Dr.'s of course.  I just didn't trust them any more and personally, I don't have the luxury of not trusting Doctors.  My body is always going to need a good Doctor from time to time.  And it's not for the sniffles.
Anyway, the experience I had in October at the Mayo has been refreshing and life changing and has helped me in more ways than just physically seeing better. Dr. Holmes and his staff have helped me regain hope in Doctors and Medical professionals.  I now know that there really are good people out there that can be great at their jobs and still be kind and compassionate, and  empathetic while having fun while they work.
 I hope to grow from all of this, I know I have, growth is uncomfortable.  Like you don't fit in your own clothes, kind of uncomfortable.  And might I say I have been a little uncomfortable. :)  Getting better though.
Now, you should never write a blog this long. No one wants to read a long blog.  But it's not actually for others that I write. It's for me.  So, it's okay.  I can ramble on if I want.  If you read this far you should really get a life. Just joking. That's nice if you took the time to read this.

An Eyeless post

This has nothing to do with Strabismus. So read and enjoy.

I forgot about Van Morrison.  I am am sitting here on the eve of Daylight savings, I should be long in bed but just don't care.  I rediscovered Van Morrison on I Tunes.  I am so sorry Mr. Van Morrison I forgot about you.  

I'm listening to " into the Mystic" and "someone like you"  Oh and I also found he did a song called, "just Like Greta"  He can't be all that bad if he sings about Greta Garbo! wish I had her eyes

What more could I ask for?

It's almost 5 months now since surgery.  I'm still so acutely aware of how great this eye surgery thing has been for me.   I've learned a lot!  My biggest lesson is that I can trust again.
I was happy before surgery.  You  have to understand I had severe major depressive disorder the 3.5 years following heart surgery. Every minute of every hour I wanted to die.  That was the worst thing I had ever been through. Then just as quickly as it settled in, after stopping certain meds, it left me.  Even though I was now 40 lbs heavier I didn't care. I wasn't depressed anymore.  What more could I ask for?
Then, I lost 18 lbs after quiting the medications. So that was great!
But then this past summer, I lost 26 lbs more.   NOW I WAS BACK!  I'm back, the old me is here. What more could I want?
Happy as I was, I went to the eye Dr. as I knew I was loosing my single vision all together.  I didn't think it all the way through as it was too scary to think where my eye Dr. visit could possibly lead, knowing how horrible it had been years ago. I  just wanted to start gathering information so I could make an educated decision when I was ready to do something about my eyes.  Well, One step led to the next. And to my total surprise, with in a couple months my eyes were fixed. FIXED people!  Never did I hope for Fixed!  Just a little better would have been good. But Fixed?
Now I feel like, 'holy cow!' this is too good to be true, no depression, no extra weight, and  single vision?    Bad things have happened since my eye surgery, causing me great stress and some sadness but that being said. I do tend to focus on these 3 things. Whatever the future brings I have these three blessings to reflect on and be extremely grateful. Before long I know I'm going to loose a dear friend, I'm really going to have to cling to focusing on these three blessings!
Recently, we've had to consider selling our house to make ends meet.  As stressful as this has been it dawned on me one day driving down the road ( Where all great thinking happens) I could have all the money in the world but if I didn't have my vision fixed it wouldn't matter.  Can't have everything Greta!  What more can a girl really ask for?

Two Steps Forward

One step back...  I know I'm making progress,  I begin to think, "yes, I'm out of the pain woods"  then, nope, back in.
My operated eye is better.  Just used celluvisc this morning a couple times.  It didn't really cross my mind the rest of the day.  But starting around 4pm the left eye started to tighten up.  Now it's 9:10 and we have full blown eye muscle pain with the whole headache like when I used to tilt to the left.
I do feel like I"m tilting lately but I was just hoping I was paranoid and blowing things out of proportion. Who knows.  All I know is lately, when I'm driving, I look in the rear view mirror and see my eye is off.  I hate that. Today as I was driving I was thinking about that.  If I just look over at the rear view mirror - there it is. My crazy, off, eye.  I can hear my brothers voice in my head, " Greta, your eye is 'shopping'."
3/9/10  woke with same headache/ eye ache in the left  non operated eye.
3/10/10 - Wed. no work today - just volunteered all day.  By 3 I used the frankincense on my left eye.  Now at 7:50pm the left eye aches again. Oh well, no biggy.

Eye Cold

I wonder if it's possible this cold is in my operated eye.  It's been struggling all week.  It feels like there is a little sand in my eye in the outside corner. Then all the sudden it will be a  stabbing pain for the flash of a second. I have a little edema under the eye and it tears a lot.  Now it's just dry and uncomfortable.  Celluvisc makes it feel better for about 20 min. at a time.  When I take Ibuprofen it feels better except for the scratchy feeling it has.
On the flip side. My left eye feels fine.  For about 3 days.  No frankincense.
You heard of "As the World Turns"?  I call this "As the Eye Turns"

You are... the weakest link!

This is what I've been thinking all day about my operated eye. "you are, the weakest link!"  Nice that the left eye isn't acting up today.  I am getting a bit of a head cold so I kind of think if I'm not functioning at optimum levels my operated eye will show it. I missed sleep this week with the John Mayer concert, so that didn't help.  It's just unhappy today.  Feels swollen underneath my eye and I feel a little pulsating in there.  It feels like the eye just would rather close and rest today. I took a couple doses of ibuprofen but no relief.  Just aches a lot today. 


And can I say, my eye is off in photos where I have to look up.  I should just be grateful for the single vision and straight neck. A little vain part of me hates that it's off Why do I hate that? When I see photos of myself I look right for that.  UGH

Look how straight my neck is!  Yowza!

Vision Vs. Hearing

Which sense would you be willing to give up if you had to? Every once in  a while you have these dumb discussions with people.  Like you'd want to give up any senses. If you had to choose between vision and hearing, which one would it be?  I would always choose vision.  I would miss it but not as much as hearing.  This is written right after coming home from a John Mayer concert.  But I can't live without music.  I would be trapped in my own head with only my own thoughts if I had no hearing.  Eyes.  They're overrated. :)  But then I wonder if you polled all people with strabismus or some other frustrating eye problem I'd almost venture to guess they'd all agree with me.  Hearing first , vision second.  What do would you say? Vision or hearing?

I think this young man would agree with me..  Derek Paravicini
http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=6289316n
"In the Key Of Genius"

Outside observer

At work today the receptionist noticed that under my right eye there was swelling and redness.  She was right but I wasn't feeling any pain or anything else.  This morning though I thought of looking again at it as the operated eye aches underneath.  Not real bad but enough to know that my eye aches.  I wish I could understand everything about this eye thing. I'm not going to lie.  I know it's not reasonable to be able to understand everything.  It's part curious, part concern.  I don't feel the need to understand everyone else's problems but I do feel the need to understand my own.