No pain.  It feels good.  I hope it's done now.  Tweezing was good today, like I never had problems with it. I want all my eye woes to be gone.  I want to never have to deal with this again. Is that too much to ask?   If I ever have to have any more 'procedures' on my eyes I really do want the comp. blepheroplasty to go with it. It's only fair.  I think I aged 10 years this year. I even found my first four gray hairs about a month ago.  Mortifying! My face looks like it's going to slide off my skull.  It's lovely. :0  Okay, maybe I should go to bed cuz Lord knows I need my beauty rest.
Did I mention I have no pain?

Worst is over. I think...

I feel the worst is over.  For now.  I've felt this a few times before only to be surprised with an out of the blue pain attack. However, yesterday, I don't remember what I was doing,  I consciously new in my heart that I won't be in pain forever.  I know the pain I have had has to be related somehow to the surgery.  And I know it somehow has to be related to how exhausted I was this last time I had such bad pain.
That being said yesterday morning I woke to stronger sup. obliq. pain in my rt eye which did escalate to probably a 4.  It turns into the whole eye quadrant pain then traces to above my ear and even down to my Jaw.  But I just took 3 ibuprofen and drank some really strong delicious coffee and with in an hour it was pretty much gone.  My eye felt weak the rest of the day and again I had more trouble tweezing at work. But no pain.
I am happy to report at this time I have no Jabs of pain!  The constant Jabbing Jabbing Jabbing is really breaking up.  I think the acupuncture is really helping a lot! Plus Dr. Brent told me where to stuff my finger when the jabs start and it does help.  It's sore but it does help the pain dissipate.  So we are moving in the right direction.  Even if I have these strong pain episodes if I get these breaks in between like I've been getting I can handle it.  It's that constant eye ache that doesn't let me move on and just enjoy my new outlook.
So today it's good!  I'm going to go out for a walk now and enjoy it!

7 months now

It's been over 7 months now since my surgery. On the right is our little Elijah. He was born the day of my surgery. He is my marker. Little stinker, he was two weeks late and ended up arriving on the day I was scheduled for surgery, so I didn't get to see him be born.  But how could I be mad at that sweet little smile.  I feel this little connection to him, he and I had a new beginning on the same day Oct. 20th. Only his is a bit more monumental than mine. :)
The past week I'm feeling more and more at peace with things.  It's hard to describe.  There's been so much more psychology with this surgery than I could ever imagine. The past is the past, I know that.  I'll never really have peace with the Egghead section of my eye journey.  Dr. H did  much to restore my faith in Dr's. and give me back some hope that my health is not always a lost cause. He was about the polar opposite of Dr. Egghead   I realize my eye troubles did affect me greatly, I just stuffed it down really really well. That's what was most troubling about the past 7 months.  I hadn't dealt at all with what happened years ago and how terrified I was.  I think if Egghead had been more congenial and communicated with me, even if I had the same surgical outcome,  I wouldn't have had all of this emotional baggage to deal with and work through this go around.  When I'm not in pain I don't worry so much about the future of my eyes.  Today I was seeing double some.  Mostly when I was laying on my bed watching TV, and I was tiliting a lot at this seminar this weekend,  but because I'm not in pain it's not too upsetting. Put pain  with double vision and then I worry.  Pain clouds your thinking and good judgement.
I just wanted to post that I'm feeling good about things. Even though I was tilted today and saw double I realized if it came back I could deal with it. If it comes back it will take years anyway to get that bad again.
Double vision is not my fear.  Surgery to fix double vision then having surgery go bad - that is my worst fear.
For now, that is not even on the horizon so I'm not going to worry about it.  I just need the pain to stay away so I can move on more completely.

Observation

Today while sitting in a crowd of 1700 people. I noticed why I still tilt left.  I can see further to the left when I tilt.  When I hold my head straight I see only the 10 % past center that the tests show.  No biggy, but interesting.
I got more acupuncture yesterday.  It does work for me. Doesn't cure it but gives me a break for the stronger pain.  My highest pain level this week was probably a 3 which is tolerable.  I'm grateful.

I was THIS close..

to calling Dr. H again today.  I have a question I need to ask him.  It's bugging me.  I of course can wait til my 1 yr appointment but It's going to bug me every day until then.  I saw double again this morning - no real pain. but this is the 3rd time.  I knew I was within my viewing parameters. I really don't want to see double anymore.
When something negative happens with my eyes I feel like I can't tell anyone, I was out in my volunteer work with two of my best friends and couldn't tell them but esp don't want to tell Jim because I don't want him to worry. So I ended up telling the post grad student that is staying here with us.  I felt much better after I explained my worries to someone.  Saved Dr. H. from another phone call from crazy old me.
My question is something to the effect of how do I know this surgery is different than all the others?  Why didn't the other surgeries work?  What are my chances of loosing it again?
Then I tell myself. I was happy before with double vision.  I could do it again and be happy if I had too.  The difference is now I know double vision is wrong.  And now I know what good is.  It would be just cruel to go back to that again.  Now I understand, ignorance is bliss! 
I wasn't in too bad a pain today.  I was loaded up with tylenol and Ibup. but I went to so see this big time makeup artist.  He attacked my eye!  So it is sore now.  It definitely doesn't like  makeup brushes esp. with crazy men at the other end of them.  The real kicker is he did my least favorite move. He grabbed my face with two hands and straightened my head.  UGH.  I hate that -  means I was tilted a little. OH well,  I just pray that my eyes don't slip back to double.

I feel great today - woo whoo!

Weighing the options

I've had 3 different pain episodes the past 2.5 days- one good one during the night.  I don't care for it.  Is it terrible? No, not compared to say my back injury last Jan. Or open heart surgery when I awoke to find that my body doesn't recognize morphine as a pain killer -  that was pain!

I did go to Dr. Brent Friday, he put about 8 needles in and around the orbital area.  The one in my corrugator really hurt! I felt achy for about an hour then I felt real good. But then this morning while in my volunteer work it returned. All I had access too was Tylenol.  It may have worked or maybe it just left.  It does that sometimes.

Now I just have the jabs back. 

Here's the deal. It's not that the pain is so terrible all the time that I can't handle it.  But when it does come it is rather bad and I'm afraid of the pain coming back. So when I feel the jabs I wonder, "is it going to hit big time again?" 

So somehow I have to figure out again how to accept my new base line.  Before I had neck pain almost all the time, plus an embarrassing head tilt.  Now I have this pain.  I think I could roll with it better if I knew what was causing it.  I am a little tired of my entire being, being idiopathic.  I have to figure out how to accept something I don't understand. ? I'm not good at that.  I always want to understand everything when it involves my body.  If I don't understand you, well, I'm okay with that.  Not so with me.

I could go down to Mayo and try to get some answers but if I go to the Pain clinic like the Dr. thought, I'm afraid of what that might bring. Drugs - well, I never seem to respond to meds like 'normal' people.  You know all those rare side effects that people get.  Somebody does get those!  That would be me.  Like when the heart surgeon says, "no body is allergic to Tungsten Steel"  well, guess I'm nobody. My favorite side effect was to Dilaudid. " unusual feeling of euphoria" Now what is wrong with that?  I loved that. but knew it was not good.  I did feel awesome on that. 

Neurontin- see these are the type of drugs they may suggest.  I didn't tell Dr. H. all what happened with Neurontin. But it was bad. very bad. So I'm afraid.  I would take stabbing pain over neurontin any day. 

If I just understood what was going on I could roll with it.  I just can't figure it out. Frankly, can I say, I'm afraid of  having a problem with the trigeminal nerve.  I don't want that. AT ALL!  I could never with stand true trigeminal neuralgia. I can't get that. I just can't. So maybe if it continues I should at least figure out why so I could move on and live with it if I have to.  I'm scared that this was all just too good to be true. 

Would I have done the surgery knowing the possibility of all this pain.  Yes, of course. I just always forget there's a trade off.  I have this other Dr. who wants to do a basic foot surgery on me.  He doesn't understand why I don't just get the surgery done.  Well, this is exactly why.  I never go quite as scheduled.  I'm afraid I will be allergic to titanium. Or I won't be able to take the pain meds cuz I'm allergic to them.  To me there really isn't elective surgery. I have surgery when I absolutely need to.

Jabs

It is now Thursday early evening.  Since Monday after seeing Brent I haven't had the constant jabs in my sup. obliq muscle.  Ahhh.  Makes me happy.  Tonight is the first time I'm having  a little trouble - no real pain, kind of a dull head ache and it is too hard to read, (I'm trying to read 4 chapters out of my bible - not going to happen today)or look up at my silly TV.  The TV in my office lives on a top shelf near the ceiling and my eye is just too weak to look up at it tonight.  But - no jabs!  God bless Dr. Brent.  Makes me want to go back and do that again.
5/14/10 - well, I spoke too soon. Last night headache turned into the real deal. Bummer!  I took a tramadol - pain went away but I know I shouldn't take it.  I really think I'm allergic to it.  I'll try to get into Brent today. I did have a solid four days of no jabs or strong pain.

Check out this video of my buddy Lane. He is such a tease!  This was last Sunday.

Relief by Brent

 Dr. Brent did acupuncture to my face today to help my eye pain/ ache. He also adjusted my occipital bone.  He had some good ideas. The acupuncture was good.  I could tell it did something to my facial muscles. His goal was to relieve muscle tension around anything connected to the trigeminal nerve incase that's the real problem.  But most of the relief came from realizing I can bounce ideas off of Brent and try to figure out with him what my body might be doing.  Since my neck is so much better I don't see the chiropractor as often.  I forgot he is a great asset to me when I get in my little health crisis'. I learn a lot from him.   He too has been dealing with my idiopathicness for many years now.  I feel a great relief to remember I don't have to figure this out by myself.
5/11/10 - it's been just short of 24 hours since I went to Brent.  Guess what? This is the longest I've gone without even Jabs of pain!  Cross your fingers!  Will it last? Who knows. But I do know the rt eye is very sore when I put my eye shadow on or touch it with anything smaller than my elbow.  All I know, is that when not in pain, I am nothing but very happy and content.  The pain will go away for good at some point.  Then WATCH OUT world!
5/12/10 Still not having the same Jabs.  I do feel an occasional 'surge' of pain then it goes away.( probably 3 times an hour.) Still hurts to put makeup on that eye. I'm hopeful.

Photos

It was a big weekend at the Weisman household. My girl Donnee graduated from college this weekend. Lots of fun and a little sad that she'll be leaving us. I have to tell you that for the first time I don't dread having my photo taken as I don't have to tilt. I even have moments with no pain.  No intense pain since last Tuesday. I have the jabs and the ache often but we can deal with  that. Now I better go to bed before my eye yells at me.

A blessing

I was just thinking again what a blessing my new eyesight is.  I was simply looking out my window at the peak of the neighbors house where a little bird was tweeting in the rain.  And couldn't help but realize again how I can't believe my double vision is gone.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think I wouldn't have that. It's a little lonely not being able to share this experience with someone.  It's like seeing a beautiful sunset day after day that causes you to be in awe but when you try to explain what you see, no one can comprehend what you are talking about.  Like they just can't see the colors and how beautiful it is. 

Seeing double all my life than not seeing double AT ALL.  Is just beautiful.  I can separate pain from success. I have pain yes, but I have success too. Today I'm focusing on the success of it all.

I've wanted lots of things but I really only absolutely needed one thing from God, and I got that 5 years ago.   Then I got a second surprise this last summer , I lost 26 lbs, which was great.  But then this surgery.  Never did I imagine my eyes fixed.  I know I've said that before many times. But I'm still amazed. I didn't even know I needed this, this badly.  I didn't realize that my eyes were kinda  miserable.  I consider it a blessing from God that I took one little step and within a short time I was matched up with the people that could fix it.  It's the coolest thing!

So even on a rainy, cold day where snow is in the forecast!  I'm so happy and feel very grateful for my eyes. ( and my straight neck!)

Pain update

Pain was quite strong this morning, I cried while I dried my hair.  I'm just so tired of the pain.  It's hard to be cheerful and outgoing when your face feels like it got hit with a baseball bat. And I have to be happy at work. No one wants a miserable esthetician. I did take 400 mg of Ibup. by 8:30 a.m. then another 400  at 11 a.m.  pain got to about a 6.  I'm just so frustrated and I can't figure this pain out.  Why 6 mo. after surgery?  WHY WHY WHY! ?  Then all of the sudden it left at about 1:15 and was gone for most of the afternoon minus some Jabs of pain here and there.  I can handle Jabs it's the long deep pain I could do with out.  But I did have several hrs with out the intense pain.  I feel it coming back now so I'll go load up again. Tramadol works great for pain I'm just a tad allergic to it.  I'm always waiting for the day my throat swells shut.  Oh well, that's why God made bendryl.

Okay, no blogs now til maybe Sunday - I hope. I started reading my bible this morning and that's when the real ache started.  Go figure.  Have to find a way to read with the bible in front of me so I don't have to look down.

Bad dreams

 Last night I had my same dream I was seeing double again -I've been having these dreams a couple times a week. But last night it was a nightmare that woke me up at 4 a.m.  I drempt that Dr. C. actually said, "sorry it's getting bad again" She was going to suggest another surgery or just opt to leave it be and give up"  I hyperventilated in my dream ....  anyway the dream continued but I won't bore you.  Just that now I can't shake this out of my head today.
 11:02 p.m. I am still thinking about the possibilities of loosing my single vision.  I think with my connective tissue 'issues' I worry that the muscles will stretch out and I'll eventually go back to what I've always know.  I'll have to ask the doc in Oct. what he thinks of that and why he thinks this surgery will not have the same eventuality.  Now that would be cruel  knowing how good, single vision with no head tilt is only to loose it.
That being said.  I think I need to stop this blog .  I'm blogging too much.  I need to throw myself into something that matters.  I love writing but enough is enough!  I need to totally engross myself in something else to try to move on.  I didn't think a full minute about my eyes at all in the past 10 yrs. Dr. C. said I suppressed my eye problems quite a bit.  So maybe there's hope I can suppress it again.   So maybe I'll post once a week for now then get farther and farther apart.
I  really want to learn ASL and I would like to read the bible straight through before my brother and his wife   go to NY for missionary school.  Two very good goals to replace eyeball obsessing.

May 3rd

My thoughts go out to a certain someone who is having his first and hopefully last surgery for strabismus tomorrow.   I don't know anyone personally who has had this surgery so I hope one day to be able to talk openly with him about his experience.  As I would love to be able to have someone who could relate. I'm praying for ya and Dr. C.