It's like a ride you want to get off....

I'm not going to lie, it's been a rough couple of weeks. The pain in my low back, sacroilia joint, to be specific, is my constant companion. I have been in some form of pain since Oct. 20th when I had eye surgery. If I had had this back pain before eye surgery. I probably wouldn't have considered my eye pain to really be pain. Although looking back, it did land me in bed. It was just a different kind of limiting pain.

Most Mondays I spend with my elderly friend at Coborns Cancer Center. Today was no exception. However, after meeting with her oncologist today I'm even more in a funk. It's just not right. Today is the one year anniversary that she lost her husband suddenly. Saturday she fell so bad in her driveway she knocked herself out, laying in the street for a minute til she regained consciousness. She's pretty banged up. Then today the Dr. all but said maybe she could choose if she wants to continue treatment or stop.

I have all I can do not to knock her over the head again and drag her back to my house and live with me. She shouldn't be alone. But try and tell her that.

No one should loose their husband, their brother, their only brother in law, see their sister whom you love, have Alzheimer's, be 78, and get terminal cancer all in one year.

This pain is really killing me. It so stops me from being my full potential. I had three weeks at optimum function. It was so great. I have to get back to that. I have a lot to give to others. I feel like I could really do a lot of good for others if I just didn't have this stupid body! I hate it! I can dislocate a joint just by sneezing, or stepping out of the car. This pain is tripping me up big time. Everyone asks me, 'how did you hurt your back?' If I had a nickel every time someone asked me that! I'd have a million dollars. Do you feel my frustration?

(Nancy ended up dying December 19th 2011 more so from lack of food than cancer)

The pendulum swings

The crushing back pain has shifted. I knew today that it was going to be better. When my feet hit the ground the pain was different. About a 5 on the pain scale.

It's all about controlling your thinking. So I've been trying to do that. Extreme pain can drive you nuts! You actually loose your perspective on reality a little. So I've been working on controlling my thinking. Not letting myself get ahead of myself with all the worst case scenarios. I also forgot to listen to music for a week. So I started doing that. Then I decided to distract myself and get a "project" So to my pleasant surprise, I was able to start my ASL classes on line Wednesday night. That was fun and I got to focus on something besides my pain issues.

Then today, my first client. What a great person! Again, I love my job. I just realized all over again that we each have our own burdens we carry. Some it's physical. Some it's relationship problems. Some it's both. Then you watch what's happening in Haiti.

Yesterday when I was in 12 different kinds of pain, I didn't know if I should grab my back side or grab my eye. It's actually quite funny. Anyway, I was at my podiatrist waiting for an HOUR! Getting irritated waiting I started looking through every Newsweek magazine in the office - I looked through all the photos of Haiti. I can't imagine the pain and suffering. At least I can go to a Doctor and get some pain meds. I can go back to my delicious sleep number bed and rest. I can't imagine some of these people lost their homes, Could be dealing with crushed bones waiting for relief then possibly having lost family members, all at the same time. Wow. Now my pain doesn't seem so bad.

Pain Changes Things

As my young friend Nathan once said, 'I'm a man, meant for pain!"

Pain changes everything. Last week and the three before that I was on cloud 10 floating around like nothing could burst my bubble. I knew I wouldn't always feel that way just didn't know it would end so abruptly. I'm not saying that great feeling won't come back, but what a bummer. They are treating me for a displaced sacroiliac joint. The Pain is unbelievable. I'll take eye pain any day over this. I have to just focus as I go through the day and just breathe and get through whatever task is at hand and deal with the pain. I'm taking Dilaudid which I thought would knock you on you butt, however, it doesn't. It just barely takes some of the severe pain away. Which I'm grateful it does that. I'm glad I can still drive and go to work and take a pain med stronger than Ibuprofen. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Which come to think of I can't think of who my worst enemy would be anyway. So that's something to be grateful for. :)

Eyes Pain overshadowed

So there was reason I wanted to blog about how good I was feeling when I felt it. This past week my low back pain has now escalated to a level of pain I haven't seen since heart surgery. I even went to the medical Dr. yesterday to get stronger pain meds. I took 2 pain meds and 2 muscle relaxers and woke up in so much pain this morning that I nearly passed out upon awakening. I went back to the Chiropractor where he informed me it's time for an MRI. $1500 - $2000. So I think I will add a paypal button to my blog page which no one but me reads so that each person that visits can make a contribution to my co pay of $5800/ :)

But that is why I am so glad my eye surgery went so well as I knew I had hard things coming up - I didn't forsee intense back pain. But while in pain I am still focusing on how grateful I am that I can see straight. Can't have everything Greta!