I'm not the brightest bulb in the pack. I washed my face before bed and noticed a milia and not thinking I just took one of my needles ( esty's have these ya know) and stuck it into this milia, then tried another one. Got it out! Yeah! But I triggered the nerve. So I'm laying there realizing I have to get up and distract myself from the pain. Hopefully it will go away but if I lay there I just focus on it. The moon was coming up and it's beautiful, and I don't see it in double so it gets me to thinking about my little miracle eye surgery and came to a small conclusion that was kind of interesting to me.
The past few months I've had this frustration. I think I may now know what it is. See I'm a bit tired of this blog, yet I keep coming back to it and don't know why. Well, laying there I was thinking how frustrating it is not to have anyone understand what it's like to have this big change. This last eye surgery really caught me off guard. I am so amazed all the time and no one understands this good feeling. Why do I need someone to understand? I wish I was just a tad bit less grateful and could actually take this for granted and forget about it. Some people walk around negative and they can find the bad in anything. That is annoying. But walking around really grateful is kind of annoying too. Only I can't share it with anyone. Oh, I have tried. But you can see in their faces they just don't get it. Now with heart surgery there's a great big scar and you look really pathetic so people sympathize better. But with my eyes there's no visible scars. How often though I remember what it was like before surgery. I'm kinda mad at myself for not knowing that that was bad. I didn't think it was that bad. Now I know how much better my vision is I don't know why I tolerated that for so long I could just kick myself for not going in earlier. Oh, well.
I think that's why I keep coming back to this dumb blog that no one reads but me, I get to talk about what's in my head and I don't have to worry about if people understand or not. It helps me to understand.
When you have heart surgery or what ever, when you get with others who have had the same thing you click you understand you share your experiences. I don't know of anyone who has had this experience. I came close, with my workmates husband. However, he is so embarrassed about his eye problem he doesn't want to speak about it to ANYONE! What's up with that? Why would you be embarrassed about your eye problems? It's not your fault. You didn't bring it on. I don't get that. I know there's social issues with strabismus etc. But really? You're embarrassed? Even with other people who have it? The only person I can really connect with is Dr. C I only see her only once every 6 wks for about 20 minutes while her hair is processing. But she helps me a lot. I don't have to explain myself to her. She gets it. She doesn't give me that look that says, "does not compute". I do feel guilty talking to her as I know if I was in her office I'd be paying for this consult. This last time I wasn't going to talk about my eyes at all, just went to say hello but then she immediately asks me about my face pain. I guess I was surprised she even remembered I had this pain. It caught me off guard. I always ask her if she minds talking about this subject with me and she always reassures me she doesn't. She's very kind.
So that's what I think the frustration is about - I'm a talker and I can't talk about this. Not even really with Jim. He's a good listener though. He tolerates me. But I try to never tell him about the pain unless it's really bad as I don't want him to worry, and he would worry. It's like he wants to fix it but he can't so it just makes him irritated if I tell him something is wrong. So I get to tell him the good parts but can't tell him the bad. Again,
that is why I have this silly blog. I've said it all along, the blog is for me, so I have an outlet so I don't drive all my friends crazy talking about my little eye miracle countered with pain episodes. Can I say for the record again? It is a miracle. I wish I could describe it. I hope I don't loose it.
Alright I'm going back to bed to try to sleep, Lord knows I need my beauty rest. Just look at me! HA
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