Get it out of my dumb head...

It's Sunday morning, I'm cooking and cleaning and listening to Pandora, drinking coffee and it's sunny and beautiful out. And then the thoughts.....
So this post really is just for me to get this out of my head and sort it out.  If anyone reads this they will know I'm insane. Shocker, I know!
I don't know how to say it.  It's about egbert. I'm not so much bothered right now about how he hurt me physically. That's just pain and that's gone now.  But I realized that part of how I am, the part I actually thought was good, may actually been a result of that guy.  My love for trying to learn and understand things was fanned by him.  I felt so ill informed going into "egbert". So I over compensated by being TOO informed.  I don't remember being like this before that whole debacle. Maybe I just don't remember what I was like before.  I hate the thought that that guy could have left his thumbprint on me.  Kinda feels violating.  I want nothing to do with him AT ALL.  EVER!  I just feel the need to shake his residue off of me.  Like - leave me alone! I  know that if I still have this strong of feelings about him, it still has some kind of hold on me. The sad thing is that he most likely doesn't even remember me.  So it's even worse to spend any time thinking about what he did or did not do.
 I hate how he caused me to not trust doctors more. That's not the case anymore.  It's not that I didn't trust them it's just that I had to rely too much on myself to figure out if I should trust them. I do not have the luxury of not trusting doctors. Someone like Jim has the luxury as he never really needs them.
Bottom line, is I'm not sure what I 'feel ' about "egghead"  I just hate that my brain is stuck on this on this beautiful day.  I wish I was in the movie 'Men in Black' when they hold up that memory eraser stick and - FLASH everything is forgotten.
You know before this last surgery, I had a hard time remembering 'egghead's' name.  I know some day I'll get back to that point.  Of course, I'll have to destroy these posts.  But at this point writing helps me sort things out and get rid of the unwanted and focus on the good.