'hope'

I am no longer angry about what happened 10 yrs back with my former eye surgeon.  Doesn't mean I don't have  'feelings'about it. Just anger isn't the top one any more.  It is  a little like the steps of grieving.  Not that I can remember all the steps.  I just know that Denial, Anger, sadness and some where Acceptance is the last one.  Maybe I'm a little sad about it but not too bad.
Looking back over the past 5 months all this stuff about "egbert" came back so fast and furious. Now at times I think about it but it's not everyday.  I re read the letter I wrote to him, that letter helped a lot to move forward with not feeling so angry.  Now that I read it I can see I was so upset, I can see why Holmes wanted me to 'mull it over more'.  Part of me wishes I still sent it to him. But as Holmes said, he wouldn't get to the second page.
Now if I wrote him I would simply want to get through to him that he hurt me not even so much my eyes but he affected my thinking for the worse.  I'd like to say he took away my 'hope'. But I know that no one can take 'hope' away from you.  You have to give it up yourself. Does that make sense?
I now know what it really means to loose hope.  I don't think I could really describe it I just know how it feels.  I had no hope of my eyes every being corrected. So much so, that I never even bothered to imagine or dream of what it would be like to see better or not have that headache/neck pain.  I accepted the reality he gave me, that was my life and I tried to moved on.  I was okay.  Now?  I don't have the hope of seeing better.  I already do, so I don't need hope anymore.
"egbert" ( notice I don't capitalize his name as I have made him into a noun - guess there's still a little anger there) also, affected my view of Doctors and 'authority'.  I had gone into his office fully trusting that this experience would be like the last one I had at 19.  I naively assumed it would be wonderful and a miracle like my first surgery.  Then I had 3 nightmare procedures.  I came out of that experience determined to never be intimidated or fooled into anything again.  I came away questioning every one who was stating 'facts' or telling me what I should do.  That's okay to a point but I took it too a new level.  I didn't hate all Dr.'s of course.  I just didn't trust them any more and personally, I don't have the luxury of not trusting Doctors.  My body is always going to need a good Doctor from time to time.  And it's not for the sniffles.
Anyway, the experience I had in October at the Mayo has been refreshing and life changing and has helped me in more ways than just physically seeing better. Dr. Holmes and his staff have helped me regain hope in Doctors and Medical professionals.  I now know that there really are good people out there that can be great at their jobs and still be kind and compassionate, and  empathetic while having fun while they work.
 I hope to grow from all of this, I know I have, growth is uncomfortable.  Like you don't fit in your own clothes, kind of uncomfortable.  And might I say I have been a little uncomfortable. :)  Getting better though.
Now, you should never write a blog this long. No one wants to read a long blog.  But it's not actually for others that I write. It's for me.  So, it's okay.  I can ramble on if I want.  If you read this far you should really get a life. Just joking. That's nice if you took the time to read this.